Trauma & Insecure Attachment: Avoidant vs. Ambivalent
Insecure attachment is a result of attachment disruptions in childhood. We have to adapt to whatever capacities our caregivers possesses or lacks.
Insecure attachment is a direct result of attachment ruptures in childhood. If there were disruptions in childhood, you had to learn to adapt to the capacity of your caregivers attachment system. Developmental growth as a child occurs based on what works and what doesn’t in terms of getting needs met. In other words we adapt to the limitations of our caregivers so that we can best get nurturance and nourishment to support our attachment needs.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
Avoidant attachment outwardly expressed is incongruent to the internal experience. Avoidant children are actually experiencing strong reactions and high levels of stress to their caregivers comings and goings, but act in a way to make those experiences invisible. They’ve learned that they must shut down their normal reactions, expending a ton of energy to do so.
Avoidant attachment was named after the children who displayed distance between self and caregiver and how they stopped seeking connection from them. The signal cry pivoted or turned off.
Adults who are avoidant look like they are self-sufficient, dismissive, aloof, or disconnected.
DEVELOPMENTAL FACTORS IN AVOIDANCE ATTACHMENT
Isolation:
being left alone too much as a child, neglected
Lack of presence:
there is a difference between physical and psychological & emotional presence
Goal Orientated presence:
showing kids that the parent is there for them only when teaching them something or if the child is practical & functional, if the child performs
No touch:
there isn’t enough appropriate, compassionate and loving physical touch
Emotional neglect:
caregivers are not attuned to child’s needs and the child interprets this as inconsistent responsiveness
Expressive incongruence:
parents use facial expressions that don’t match emotional state- this develops into kids who do not know how to express themselves authentically because of the mixed signals they were given as a child
Dismissed:
outright rejection from parent
Through interacting and absorbing our caregiver’s nervous systems, we internalize our view of relationships and develop strategies to get our emotional needs met. If we cannot get our needs met we become reactively autonomous. When we don’t grow up in an environment where relationships are safe and nourishing, we struggle with vulnerability and intimacy.
Avoidance doesn’t mean that the longing for love and connection isn’t there, it means we are disconnected from the need.
WHAT DOES AVOIDANT LOOK LIKE
Detached
Insensitive
Cold
Stand off-ish
Isolated
Workaholic
Self-sufficient
In the avoidant person, there is a strong desire to do things on their own. Asking for help or collaborating on projects feels unnatural.
Avoidant’s tend to form bonds with animals or plants, and to be excited about material possessions. While loneliness occurs, being in relationship is more uncomfortable. The avoidant devalues connection because we they didn’t have an experience of it in childhood. Avoidant’s don’t expect others to show up for them, or to meet their needs, and therefor decide it’s better not to have healthy dependence for others.
“In [an avoidant’s] implicit memory, being close to others was not a good experience,” Diane Heller.
Avoidant’s do have friendships, but often not deepening intimate relationships over an extended period of time. Sexually there is usually a preference for brief intimate experiences over long term partnerships. In relationships, avoidant’s have difficulty self expressing and making commitments.
Sadly, avoidant’s don’t miss people when they leave. There is actually a sense of relief because the pressure to connect is temporarily suspended.
The attachment system is under-activated. Part is shut off because they didn’t enjoy enough nourishing connections especially in the first few years of life.
Elements of Avoidant Attachment
DISSOCIATION
It’s often normal for avoidant people to dissociate. It’s a strategy to down regulate activation in the nervous system and to create space in the connection when it feels like too much.
The original neglect or disconnection between child and caretaker may have been so painful that the only way to get away from the pain was to dissociate.
We develop distracting coping behaviors to create disconnection from others. They behaviors can sometimes be regulating, but more often than not they promote increased disembodiment and disconnection. The person is always reacting to the original pain of neglect or rejection they originally experienced by deactivating their attachment system, it isn’t personal.
Withdrawal and isolation feel safer. It takes all of their energy to pump the brakes on their need for connection.
DIFFICULTY WITH EYE CONTACT
As a child when our eyes are looking out, we are seeking love and presence in our environment. Eye contact with loved ones as a child is actually a mirror letting us know who we are. We build our sense of self and identity from this mirror. Sometimes it’s very accurate and sometimes it’s completely false. When what we see in our loved ones eyes is absence, anger, or rejection, as an adult eye contact becomes difficult. Our expectation is to see those same things and we shut down.
Many didn’t receive that glowing beam of love from a caregiver. As adults if we do receive this loving look it often brings up shame and we actually can’t receive it at all. Again, we shut down, withdraw, dissociate, or distract.
SELF REGULATION & TRANSITIONS
As an avoidant there is a deep involvement with your inner landscape. If an avoidant is deep in their inner processes and they are interrupted, their response may seem blunt and cold. This is because the interruption feels abrupt and that is reflected in how their response feels to others.
Avoidant people do desire connection, they just need space to make transitions from their internal worlds and the external world. Avoidant people also need time and space to decompress from the stress they feel from being around others. Moving from intense internal focus to a more relational focus is challenging, but with understanding and mindfulness, the transition can become more fluid.
TROUBLE RECOGNIZING PERSONAL NEEDS
Avoidant’s focus on the future and often repress or deny their challenging upbringing. There is a disconnect from their past, and it seems they aren’t conscious to the neglect they experienced or how their needs were inconsistently met. Sometimes they still talk about their childhood as a positive experience.
Not having our needs met as children makes it hard to meet our own needs as adults, even just recognizing them may be tough. Even if we do the inner work to become aware of our needs, we may continue to reject or shame them to avoid asking for support or avoid being vulnerable.
Avoidant’s learn how to become totally self-sufficient and through that hold a judgmental view of those who ask for help, labeling them as needy. Empathy is sometimes hard to step into as there is a superiority edge based on their ability to be self-sufficient.
Avoidant’s also struggle to attune to the needs of partners and children. Sometimes their needs can be seen as burdensome.
LEFT BRAIN ORIENTATION
Without growing up with emotional support, people lean more in left brain dominance. This means they are more factual, logical and analytical. When the left brain is overdeveloped, we see less emotional warmth and depth expressed. Sometimes we are a bit out of touch with our intuitive and interpersonal nature.
Sometimes memories feel impersonal when recalling only facts, as opposed to the emotional memory if how it felt.
ACTION Orientated
Avoidant people are often much more work orientated and task focused. They are efficient and productive and often fall into the camp of workaholics. They are always on the go doing, and rarely settle into rest and being.
GESTURE INHIBITION
If physical connection or touch was absent, inappropriate, or painful during childhood, as adults we are inhibited in our physical gestures that are helpful in deepening connection (reaching out for hugs, leaning in for support). It may be difficult to greet others when they approach us.
AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
To understand ambivalent attachment fully, it’s helpful to understand object permanence and constancy.
At 18 months is when children begin to develop the idea of permanence. Before then, if someone leaves our field of vision then they no longer exist. Period.
As we get older we are able to form an image and feeling of a person that we hold onto when we aren’t physically with them. This image and feeling gives us the sense they are still tangible and will eventually return into our physical space. The idea of constancy means that when someone leaves, they will return and be relatively the same person.
When we have developed the ideas of permanence and constancy we then have a sense of continuity with our primary caregiver overtime.
But, when we receive inconsistent or unreliable caregiving, we are stunted in developing the concepts of permanence and constancy. As a child we don’t know if our needs will be met, and we don’t know if the person is going to be the same when they show up. We don’t even necessarily believe that the person will return.
This lack of certainty creates a particular type of anxiety. It’s important to note, you can still receive a ton of love from caregivers, yet they may still have been unpredictable and inconsistent.
Developmental Factors in AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT
Not enough Co-regulation:
you didn’t learn how to self soothe because your caregivers weren’t present enough to your needs and didn’t provide enough co-regulation. This results in adults who rely more on others for regulation.
Interrupted Regulation:
when child is trying to self regulate the parent suddenly disrupts the experience. The child relaxes into receiving nurturance from relationship and the parent prevents the child from receiving it
Overstimulation:
when child is learning to self-soothe, they need lots of space to find their own rhythm. if a parent tries to maintain constant connection its blocks the development. The child may be giving signs that they need space and when they don’t receive it from a parent they become overstimulated.
WHAT AMBIVALENT LOOKS LIKE
needy
clingy
oversensitive
controlling
high maintenance
high strung
ELEMENTS of Ambivalent Attachment
DEPARTURE STRESS
For ambivalent’s, anxiety fires up when a loved one leaves because of the mistrust within their nervous system. They don’t feel trust in the connection and their attachment system is full on. An ambivalent often feels upset when they are alone and they need more help to calm down after being activated. When with their partner, they can be connected to their secure attachment system and be very high functioning.
Proximity seeking & relational hyperfocus
An ambivalent is overly focused on others (beginning with original caregiver) because they live in fear that the world and relationships are shaky at best. Hyper focus on others leads to over giving to their partners without an end to their flexibility and generosity. The altruism in their giving is often a form of manipulation though. The high focus on their relationship is compelled by their attachment wounds, diminishing creativity and curiosity. Their career often suffers.
Their ability to self-regulate is under developed and they look to others for external regulation. Without being able to self-soothe or stay connected to their self and needs, they continue to feed the cycle of relying on others by pleasing or charming them. They lose contact with themselves and reach out to others to get to themselves, all leading to continual self abandonment.
HYPERSENSITIVITY & the SIGNAL CRY CYCLE
The ambivalent has an overactive and hypersensitive attachment system and a surplus of right brain activity. Their emotional memory is on replay, and they are constantly navigating past hurts and how they feel about it.
An ambivalent is often quick to feel anxious, jealous, and angry. Intimate relationships are filled with the absence of relaxation and ease because any sense of disconnection or misattunement leads to increased anxiety. Ambivalent’s are also prone to projection. Because of the hypersensitivity, often their biggest fear occurs, abandonment. The hunger for connection is so intense, but it is wrapped up with the belief that it isn’t possible, leading to behaviors that push others away.
The signal cry is always on and is wired into their sense of survival. The signal cry is really an expression for needing connection and to have their feelings heard. The signal cry may manifest as chronic ailments and illness.
Reassurance
If an ambivalent person receives reassurance, it creates more stability and invites them to relax into secure attachment.
Dismissal of caring behaviors
As a child with unpredictable caregivers, when you relax into love and support, you are setting yourself up for pain and and abandonment later. It feels like if you take in the nourishment that it comes with fear. Fear of losing it. There is the belief that everything is going to fall apart because the focus is on the future.
The desire for connection is so strong and when this desire is met, it’s actually very uncomfortable. When we have it we don’t know how to be in it or with it. Because of this we deflect or minimize the loving acts of our partner and others by creating distance through arguments and defensiveness.
The attachment system is telling us our survival is at stake and if we turn the signal cry off we will be abandoned by our primary attachment figure. The work is to discover that this isn’t necessarily true.
To begin to heal our ambivalent attachment tendencies it is helpful to try to notice caring behaviors of others, to notice what is working for us (rather than what isn’t), to develop self-soothing tools (such as listening to music or exercise) that help to create healthy relationship space, getting to know yourself and your needs, and embracing loving kindness and self-compassion.